Update From Grace On May 3, 2008-Why?

Why? It seems i ask this question more than any other. Saturday will be one year since my mom left this world to spend eternity in heaven with Jesus. I know she is no longer suffering and she is having an awesome time sitting there at Jesus' feet taking it all in. But why did she have to leave us now?

Coming up on this one year anniversary has been almost as hard as when she died. Every morning i wake up wishing i could just talk to her and tell her what is going on in my life.So much has happened since last year. I graduated, got a job, Josh and Jill Gwyn and Caedmon moved in with us, my three younger siblings are going to Christian Heritage Academy (which was one of mom's dreams) , Josh is about to graduate from law school, Jill is going to have another baby, holidays, birthdays, and so much more that mom is not here to experience with us. Why?Last week all of us kids and dad sat around remembering things about mom, talking about what we miss. If you ever met my mom you would know her gift was words of encouragement. You could be having the crappiest day and just talking to her would make everything seem better. Even when she was so sick in her hospital bed, the cancer eating away her life, every time we walked into that room she had the biggest smile on her face and no matter how much pain she was in she would focus on us and how we were doing. So, why? I remember that day, Thursday May 3rd waking up not knowing what the day would hold. I remember praying and hoping that God would heal her and take away all the pain (that was every one's prayer) and He did. She is not hurting anymore, mom always wanted to conduct a choir and orchestra, i know that's what she is doing now in heaven glorifying God in everything. But still why?Why does my dad have to go on with out the love of his life, the one person who understood him best and loved him through everything. Why does my 11 year old brother have to go on without his mother to help him through. The rest of s kids have to go on without our number one "cheerleader" in our lives. Our kids will never know how awesome their Nana was. Why?Through this entire circumstance the six months she was sick, her death, and now one year later I still don't know why.

It seemed through the whole ordeal there was no God, i had that thought so many times. I would think if there is a God why would He let this happen? Then i would see my mom and her faith and my dad and his faith and i could see the life my mom lived effected so many people and it is only because of Christ i had such and amazing mother who has left a lasting legacy for me and my brothers and sister and her grandchildren and so many others.

So now my question is no longer why, because i will never get that answer till i am face to face with my savior. Now i ask what, Lord what do You want me to do with this awesome testimony of my mom? Lord what do You want me to learn through this whole situation? Everything is going to be ok, i am going to be ok, my family is going to be ok. It is only because of Jesus Christ we can say thank you, thank you for all you have done for me and my family. Lord teach us to grow closer to you and trust you in everything no matter the circumstances. I love you mom, and can't wait to see you again!..